


Now it's Hard to Breathe

by nic_96



Series: Simon Vs College AU [1]
Category: Love Simon (2018), Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - College/University, Although, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, College, Drinking, Drunk Sex, F/F, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, If You Squint - Freeform, M/M, Notes, One Night Stands, Origional Characters, Recreational Drug Use, Sex, Simon is a Mess, Simon is gay, Swearing, Threesome, and spanking, and toys, bram is gay, bram is well adjusted, but its not important to this story, dont judge my head canons, drunk consent, everyone else is straight sorry, garett could be pan, if u proper squint, just a head canon, kinda reflective of a semi noraml higher education experience, leah is bi, simon is kinda a slut, simon is kinky af, slight depression, so is bram, standard college student depression, talk of kinks, the emails never happened, this is a mess, this is honest, this is totally self indulgent, three way relationship mff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-05-23 22:32:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14942601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nic_96/pseuds/nic_96
Summary: Simon remembers kissing in the club, he remembers hands on his neck and chest and back, he remembers a hand on his hand as they left early. Remembers fingers and a mouth on him, remembers flipping them over. He remembers how hard he had gripped Simon when he did so.But he still doesn’t remember a face, or a name or a voice. He still doesn’t remember eyes or a nose or even his mouth. He doesn’t remember if he’s tall or short or white or a POC. Simon remembers how he felt, remembers the touch of his skin but not the skin itself.orThe one where they are Just FriendsTM in college. Simon has no idea what he is doing. Bram is far too well adjusted. Notes are left behind after one night stands, too much tequila is drank and everything seems to fall into place.





	Now it's Hard to Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> I got kinda sick of reading really unrealistic college AU's so I decided to write something horrifically reflective and honest. Some of these characters might seem ooc but this is how i feel they would change and grow in college. This is absolutely Bram and Simon central, i feel horrible and have not given any other character as much attention as i should but sue me. I have some head canons that i've slotted in here - single since high school Simon's a bit of a slut, they all smoke weed except Abby because it makes her anxious, Nick and Abby are a near perfect couple, I didn't like LOTO so i'm not including it SORRY (not sorry), pop music is amazing and life gets better once you accept that, Simon is probably in need of some therapy but what college student isn't. also, Simon is a really really good dancer, and they're all kinky af. 
> 
> (disclaimer there are one or two jokes in this that may seem a little offensive but i've taken a lot of this from my own friends so its not meant in any which way) 
> 
> Playlist for this work;  
> Breath by Jax Jones (title and song quotes through out)  
> Dancing in the Daylight - Scouting For Girls  
> Treat You Better - Shawn Mendez  
> In the Name of Love - Martin Garrix, Bebe Rexa  
> Ride - Twenty One Pilots  
> Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High - Arctic Monkeys  
> Naive - The Kooks  
> More Than Friends - James Hype  
> One Kiss - Calvin Harris / Dua Lipa  
> Out of My Head - The Wombats  
> New Rules - Dua Lipa  
> Your Song - Rita Ora
> 
> I really hope you all enjoy this.

The lights are blinding in the club Simon had finally let Abby drag him too. It's a few weeks after his 21st Birthday, and he is drunk. He’s been to clubs before of course, not as often as most Sophomores he knows, but he’s been. So, really, he cannot for the life of him figure out why it was such a big deal to Abby that he hadn’t been since being ‘legal’. 

He had had a perfectly lovely birthday, right smack bang in the middle of his finals prep, but it had been _fine_ , he had been very happy with his small-ish gathering of close friends and acquaintances at the apartment he shares with Nick and two other friends. They had gotten drunk off their asses on rosé wine and played board games, smoked a bit and eaten lots of junk food. Perfect, right? 

Abby had even been there for God’s sake, (and had a great time if the I'm-smiling-despite-my-hangover face she had worn the whole next day was anything to go by) so why was she complaining. She’s come down to stay for the week with them, instead of her own apartment because her roommates are away already and she hates being alone, before they all head home for the christmas break, and yes finals are over and it's time to relax, but Simon did not want to go clubbing. He is just too awkward. 

Again, it’s _fine_ he’s been like this his whole life and is used to it, so are Nick and Leah and Abby and everyone else vaguely important to his life. They usually just laugh it off and get on with it. Leah often calls him a disaster gay considering he is a million times worse around cute boys. She’s not wrong. He is a disaster gay. Even when girls try flirt with him, especially drunk girls, he doesn’t know how to let them down easy, usually just says nothing at all and acts uninterested. Especially especially when he himself is also drunk. 

And yes. Simon is drunk. Sloshed, Pished, Wasted, Rat Arsed Drunk. (But he is tequila drunk, which means he is happy, and feels free). Or so Nat keeps telling him he should feel, but she’s been spinning in circles in the smoking area outside the club for 2 minutes and 36 seconds exactly so far to see how long she can go before throwing up, so she is probably not reliable at this point. 

Simon is drunk and red in the face with the heat inside, he's sweaty and probably reeks of smoke and alcohol, the lights inside keep making his eyes water and his contacts are hurting (but the last time he’d worn glasses out he broke them within about 3.4 seconds of arriving at the club and spent the rest of the night using Leah as a seeing eye bi). Despite all this however, (don't tell Abby for the love) he is having fun, can't keep the smile off his face, bright eyed, laughing his ass off at everything _fun_. He’s danced with some girls, some boys and he even had a cute boy buy him a drink. He caught up with Leah at pre-game, and teased Nick and Abby for still being so disgustingly in love. He’s tried a new flavour of shot, which was vile, but he tried it and he’s feeling happy. He kinda really just wants to dance more before the lights come up in two hours and they have to head home. Nat finally stops spinning, swaying from side to side for a second before righting herself, 

“How long?” she asks, arms folded, feigning boredom, but her eyes are slightly glassier than they had been pre spin. 

“4 minutes and 3 seconds, a new personal best after 11 tequila shots” Ryan says, glancing at his watch, “do you want a smoke before we go in?”

Nat smirks, laughing. She really is something. They had met the first day of orientation, she had had bright blue hair at the time, was kinda overweight but had the brightest smile Simon had ever seen. She had been dragging Ry round the stalls at the clubs and societies fair searching for Shazzam (or nerd society as she called it). He had complimented her Harry Potter shirt, and she had quizzed him almost immediately on his knowledge. They’d been friends ever since. 

“Of course I want a smoke, idiot, that’s why we came out here in the first place.” she replied flashing a cheeky smile in her boyfriends direction, he rolled his eyes, and Simon couldn’t help the pang of jealousy he felt at the fondness and familiarity in the action.

Nat had just sparked her cig when Abby came barrelling out the back door, “COME ON YOU GUYS,” she yelled, “they’re playing my request, next song!!!” Simon mocks sighs, overdramatic as always, but secretly relieved, he really really wants to dance, wants to move with the horrifically addictive beat that is the pop songs playing inside, he wants to throw his head back and laugh. He wants to feel free. Which he does, when he’s this happy drunk that tequila makes him, when he's surrounded by his friends and yeah, he’s just really happy right now. So, he lets Abby grab his arm and they manoeuvre through the crowds of people inside, the club is packed, he weaves and side steps round people (silently thanking himself for being a pop punk tween and getting over his slight fear of crowds at endless amounts of gigs) until he and Abby and right in the middle of the dance floor, joining the rest of their friends in the kinda circle squish situation they have going on. 

Leah yells his name throwing her arms up in the air with a beaming grin, all teeth and bright eyes, her makeups run a bit on one eye, but she just looks like she’s having so much fun. Simon might just be a little glad he came out tonight. As the opening bars of “Breathe” by Jax Jones starts Abby squeels, she’s obsessed with his song and has been since it came out last year. Simon won’t lie. It’s a wonderful song. All deep and frantic lyrics sprinkled with cheese and an amazing beat. 

_You’re my discretional sin,  
I feel you on me when I touch my skin_

Simon feels himself slipping to the music, his head falling back, eyes closed, he feels his hips moving in time with the beat, because Simon may be awkward but he’s a musical theatre nerd, he can dance. Can move in time with a rhythm like it’s nobody's business, but it’s only times like this, right now surrounded by his friends, high on the happiness he’s feeling that he is confident enough to really let loose. He can feel eyes on him as he moves, he turns his head to smile at Nick who’s attempting to keep up with Abby’s jumping up and down and screaming lyrics, he laughs at his face, and Nick laughs too. 

_You got me hooked and you’re reeling me in_

Simon feels hands on his hips, and a body moving in sync with his, he can tell it’s Nat as she immediately howls with laughter when he slut drops in front of her, grinding against her on his way up making Nick and Ryan wolf whistle, Garett cheers and laughs, Abby and Leah follow suit, dropping in spectacular fashion.

Out the corner of his eye Simon spots Bram watching them with a glint in his eye. He had been second from their group to meet Nat and they had bonded very quickly once they realised they were both Jewish and had one parent of colour. Bram is laughing, dancing with a random guy, but really not paying him much attention. 

_And I look in your eyes, I’m on the edge_

Simon wishes Bram was paying the boy attention. Then it might be easier for his drunk happy self to forget about Cute Bram Greenfeld. Cute Bram Greenfeld who he didn’t stand a chance with, hadn’t stood a chance with since high school. Simon drags his eyes away as Bram turns back to the boy, focusing on getting lost in the music once more, he dances and dances, until pretty soon he’s sweating again and needs a drink, so he goes to the bar, takes two more tequila shots in a row, forgoing the salt and lime he’s offered. He gets a double vodka to take back into the dance floor with him as well. The drink doesn’t make it, gone by the time Simon’s on the stairs leading down to the dancefloor. He wobbles, smiling brightly at Leah who’s caught his eye, having just watched him down the remainder of the drink. She cocks an eyebrow, he makes his way to where she has apparently found all new friends to dance with. 

“Leah, lEeeeeah, Lee, LEEEEAH” he yells pulling her hair, and blinking at her,

“Oh god, what now, what are you plotting? I know that look” she sighs (well sigh shouts) in his ear to be heard over the music. 

“Get me laid tonight. Please. I NEED to have sex, I need to feel, please Leah, help me” he practically begs, it’s been so long and he’s feeling happy and confident and he wants someone to love him. Even just for one night. 

_You’re on my mind like a song that I cannot escape_

Simon doesn’t remember much after that, he remembers large hands on his waist, too big to be Nat dancing with him again, he remembers more shots, he remembers almost crying with relief when someone started grinding against him, someone who was absolutely a man, and someone who, when Simon had locked eyes with her, Leah had nodded a slight smirk playing on her lips and mischief in her eyes. Approval. This one. Take this one home, that’s what her eyes had said. The rest of the night is a blur. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Simon wakes with his mouth like lead, dry and sore? Why is his jaw sore? Did he get punched again? His head feels like it’s been trampled by a herd of elephants. Actually. His whole body feels that way. 

It takes him what feels like an eternity to even consider opening his eyes, he’s not sure if he’s even in his own bed. When he does open them he sighs in relief, he’s home, and alone. But it starts to come back, he remembers giggling and making out with someone in an uber. He remembers fumbling with his keys, he remembers sex, remembers feeling full, and content. He remembers nails on his skin, remembers moans and grunts and sighs. Doesn’t remember a name or a face or really anything about the boy he’d taken home. 

It takes Simon another hour to get out of bed, his phone had been plugged in and placed next to him on the bed, a packet of halloween oreos, a bottle of water and two pain killers sit on his bedside table. A baby blue sticky note is stuck to the water bottle, he ignores the note for now however, realising he’s not sure he could process the words. He’s naked, but clean so they’d obviously wiped themselves down. His room smells like sex, and alcohol. Simon is kind of loving it. He only moves when his desire to piss becomes too much. 

He stumbles to his robe, slipping it on and practically dragging himself to the bathroom. He washes his face and hands, even debates for a moment showering - decides against it, does his teeth and tries really hard not to throw up. He manages, just about. 

When he gets back to his room, feeling only slightly significantly better he checks his phone, watching snapchat stories of the night before to see if they jog any memories in regards to his mystery conquest. Nothing. Just lots of horrific videos of them singing and dancing, selfies and hilarious candids. Simon smiles and mentally reminds himself that he has to thank Abby. He really did have fun. He checks all social media next, laughing at Leah’s drunk live tweets of some of last night's moments. 

He opens WhatsApp going to the “homosapiens agenda” group chat and sees a few people have already started sending in their photos and videos from the night before. He looks through them before getting too impatient. 

**disaster gay - 11.46am**  
So um does anyone know the name of the guy I took home last night?  
or what he looked like  
Or if he even was a he

 **disaster gay -11.48am**  
please tell me he was a he

 **spud-nick 11.49am**  
Sure sounded like a guy  
Or maybe just a girl with a deep ass voice  
Idk was probably a guy

 **vanilla ice 11.52am**  
was defo a guy  
I gave u my approval nod before u left

 **disaster gay 11.53am**  
WELL  
who was he  
What did he look like  
Did I do well

 **disaster gay 11.54am**  
Leah?  
hello

 **bramalam 11.54am**  
She’s currently puking  
According to ryan  
Who i'm on the phone to  
She’ll get back to you  
Also I caught a glimpse of him once or twice before you left, didn’t see much but he was deffo hot  
Get in Spier

 **straightwhitemale 12.12pm**  
I’m mad the buzzing woke me up  
Not mad u got laid  
Been a while  
Congrats bro  
Also not remembering the name  
I rate it  
Welcome to fuckboydem

 **Abbydabby 12.13pm**  
Leah  
Why r u at Ry and Nat’s  
I thought u crashed on the couch here?

 **vanilla ice 12.13pm**  
TELL U L8R

 **natalia bromanoff 12.14**  
Will u all fuck off it's too early  
Also Si facetime me  
but only if ur quiet  
Like really proper quiet  
i am suffering

Simon laughs and rings Nat, she answers with her phone right up to her face, her hair is a riot and she has makeup smeared down her cheeks.

“Hey sweet thing, how ya feeling this morning?” he asks trying really hard not to laugh at the state she is in

“I’d be better if you didn't fuckin smirk at me you lil bitch”

“Wow well ok then I’ll just hang up and not tell you any and all the details I remember from what might have been the best sex I’ve ever had”

“Nevermind you are not cancelled”

Simon hears Ryan bubble out a laugh in the background making them all giggle. Simon spills, recounting everything he can remember (which is still far more than Nat apparently does) although Simon isn’t sure he really believes her in regards to Leah being at their apartment. 

By the time he’s hung up facetime Nick has stumbled into his room, wrapped in his comforter, with Abby (who somehow looks human, if not just significantly exhausted in last nights makeup) behind him demanding Netflix (Simon is sure he is naked but doesn’t comment) the note has been completely forgotten about. 

_I don’t know how many da-da-dums I can take, I need to know if you’re feeling, if you’re feeling the same._

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Simon doesn’t find the note again until four days later, when he’s packing his stuff for christmas break, he finds it under a half eaten bowl of pasta, stuck to his carpet. At first he cannot for the life figure out where it's come from, until he reads it. 

**Good morning sunshine, I’m sure you are feeling absolutely wonderful, I’m sorry I’ve had to leave early but I’ve got a prior arrangement that I must attend. I charged your phone and left you the essentials.**

**You already have my number obviously, so if you wanna get lunch or dinner or something then just hit me up.**

**We should probably talk about this.  
X**

He sits on the bed, trying to wrap his head around the nonsensical note. Obviously this guy was expecting Simon to remember him, and was expecting Simon to know who he was. Why would Simon obviously have his number otherwise? Why did they have to talk about it? Was it not just a one night stand? Why was it a big deal? How did he know Simon loved halloween oreos more than anything in the world when he was hungover? 

Why did he sign not sign his goddamn name a the end of the note?

He had checked his phone contacts and nobody new had appeared, so it must be someone already in his phone. That doesn’t really help considering he’s a college student friends with the soccer team and in drama. He has a lot of phone contacts. It also really doesn’t help that he still can't remember a thing. Hes fairly positive the guy had dark skin, he thinks he can remember that much, but then again he could be projecting his desires (as his Mom would say). That still doesn’t narrow much down, they go to a very mixed and progressive College, so it could still be so many people. 

Simon calls Abby into his room, he doesn't show her the note or tell her about it even. He just wants to get drunk.

_Is it too late?_

“Are you still going clubbing again tonight?” He asks innocently,

She stares at him, taking in the half packed bags and bed head, the empty bowls of food and glasses of milk with floating Oreo crumb. 

“You tidy this room and finish packing and you’re more than welcome to join. I’m going with the girls from the dance team. Think the soccer team is having a night out as well.” She says, turning and walking out the room. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Simon sleeps with Blue again (that’s what Simon is calling mystery boy now). Blue leaves him to wake up with a sore body, fingerprint bruises on his hips, a head full of absolutely nothing with how content he feels, and a message written on a baby blue sticky note. 

Simon remembers kissing in the club, he remembers hands on his neck and chest and back, he remembers a hand on his hand as they left early. He remembers kissing a warm chest, down down down. He remembers the laughter as he struggled out of his skinny jeans. He remembers being made to feel so damn good. Remembers fingers and a mouth on him, remembers flipping them over. He remembers how hard he had gripped Simon when he did so. 

But he still doesn’t remember a face, or a name or a voice. He still doesn’t remember eyes or a nose or even his mouth. He doesn’t remember if he’s tall or short or white or a POC. Simon remembers how he felt, remembers the touch of his skin but not the skin itself. 

He remembers feeling right, like he was in the right place at the right time, like he was with the right person. He remembers feeling completely overwhelmed with how good he felt. He remembers pet names and moans making him blush, but he doesn’t remember hearing them. 

_But now it’s hard to breath_

**Simon, I’m sorry I let last night happen again, clearly it didn’t mean to you what it meant to me. Considering you forgot me. Which sucked but also does it make me a bad person for being kind of relieved we didn’t have live through the awkwardness. It’ll probably still be awkward, unless you don’t remember me again.  
** That would be a kick in the teeth huh  
Anyway,  
Sorry again.  
X 

Simon sighs, infuriated with himself, something is clearly drawing him to this guy. He wants to apologise for his shitty recall when drunk, wants to tell him how amazing he feels in this moment, after a night with him. He wants to reach out and touch again. He wants. 

He wants a way to write a note back. Wants to talk to the boy who seems determined to take care of him (He’d even plugged his laptop in for him this time), he wants to know this boy. He kinda feels like he already does. 

What did he mean? What had sleeping with Simon meant to him? Was he in love with him or something? Oh god what if it’s someone he knows really well, what if he had done something super embarrassing during sex. Oh god what if they’re unattractive. Wait no, Leah had given her approval even if she doesn’t remember. 

He grabs his phone, he had a few texts from various friends asking where he went, a couple good mornings and some Snapchat’s to open. He ignore them going for the group chat instead. 

**disaster gay 10.57am**  
oops I did it again

 **vanilla ice 10.57am**  
And  
Well what was he like

 **disaster gay 11.58am**  
no u don’t understand I did the same thing again  
Same guy  
Still don’t remember  
A thing  
Kinda

Abby decided that moment is the perfect time to fling herself into his room. She lands on the bed, groaning at the pain she is in. She mumbles under her breath and Simon thinks he catches some of it but can’t be sure.

 **vanilla ice 11.59am**  
are u fucking with us  
seriously  
I’m coming over

 **disaster gay 11.59am**  
bring ice coffee  
for me and abs

“Leah is coming over Abs” he says, she simply curls around one of the spare pillows on his bed, reaching out to hold his hand and falls asleep. He can’t help but let himself drift off too. But not before he hides away the new note. He’s not ready to tell them about them yet. 

_I’m not in love, it’s just a game we do_

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bram doesn’t lie to Leah when she asks if it's him. If she remembers right from that first night. 

He doesn’t really have an answer when she asks why he won’t tell Simon. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The drive home a few days later is exactly as expected. Simon has Nick, Leah and Abby in his car, they fight over how often to stop on the way, where to stop, what to eat, what music to play, what snacks to open first. Basically they bicker about absolutely everything. The whole way home. Simon wouldn’t change a second of it. Bram and Garrett drive in a separate car, just behind them, they’re basically on the phone the whole drive though, so they have a voice in the arguments and they stop whenever car one stops. 

Simon hasn’t told anyone about the notes yet. He’s not sure why, he just hasn’t. He’s kept them though, folded carefully in a card slot of his wallet. He thinks he’ll probably tell Leah first, she knows him best and she’s also the person who got the best look at ‘Blue’. He thinks she knows something he doesn’t but can't really be sure. The womans an enigma wrapped in a riddle or however the saying goes. 

By the time Simon is pulling into the driveway of childhood home he is exhausted. The drive and the bickering and the thought swarming in his brain a little too much for him. But he is so excited to see his family, he’s missed them so much. Alice had gotten home from college the night before and had called Simon yelling about how good Nora’s cooking had gotten since summer and how Mom and Dad were still Mom and Dad and honestly Simon cannot wait to see them all.

As he shuts off the engine he composes himself, he knows it's going to be a full on nights, Nora’s cooked a three course dinner, his Mom and Dad were absolutely going to have questions, lots and lots of questions, especially when they spotted the very large bruise Blue had left on Simon’s neck. 

As soon as he opens the door to the house he assaulted with smells, smells of home and of Nora’s cooking and he can hear Bieber barking and paws scraping on the wooden floors, along with footsteps coming towards him. He drops his bags, and drops down to catch bieber as he jumps into his arms, he standings holding the yapping excited dog to his chest. He feels arms around him seconds later, he folds into the hugs from his Mom and Dad, whose arms are quickly replace by Alice and Nora. there's lots of chat and a few tears and so many hello’s and we missed you’s and how are you’s and how was the drive and honestly Simon feels so overwhelmed but so unbelievably happy. 

He takes his bags upstairs, to his old room which looks exactly how he left it. The walls are a little barer than before, because he had taken some of the things to college with him, his record played and other bits and pieces gone. But in essence it's still his space, his safe place. There’s so much history in the room it overwhelms him everytime he goes home. He shouts down telling the family he’s going for a quick shower and to change before dinner. 

_I tell myself I’m not that into you_

Simon leans against the wall in the shower, letting the water run over him, why does the water pressure at home always feel so much better than literally anywhere else in the world? He cant get blue off his mind. He keeps feeling hands roaming, and lips on his neck. He can't get the feeling of Blue on him off. But he really cannot remember anything about him, can remember the sound of his moans, but not his voice when he talks, can remember the grind of his hips, but not the colour of his eyes, can remember what it felt like when Blue ran his lips over his hip bones, but can't remember what his face looks like, or his hair. It's driving him completely crazy. 

He feels hot all over whenever he thinks about him, even though he knows nothing about him. It's like something inside him is missing, something he didn't even know wasn't there, until he got a taste of it. Now that it's gone again he almost feel like he can't breathe without it. 

He feels pathetic. Like a loser in love with someone he doesn't even know. But then again, he hasn't thought about Cute Bram Greenfeld like half as many times as he normally would. So that’s a bonus. He guesses. Who even fucking knows anymore. 

The meal Nora had cooked is delicious, lime and coriander scallops to start, and a delicious sirloin steak with new potatoes and roasted veg and red wine sauce for mains. She’s made homemade ice cream and an oreo cheesecake for desert. Simon honestly thinks he is heaven. 

“Jesus Nora, you’ve seriously gotten so good at this. I can't believe you never gave up. Even after spice week.” Simon lets out a sigh, he’s so full he could burst. Dinner had been such a lovely affair, chatting and catching up, Nora has a boyfriend now apparently, Simon cannot wait to attempt to put the fear of big brother into him, Alice is still with theo, and his Mom and Dad haven't changed one bit. 

“We don't talk about spice week in this house anymore” jack laughs, he had suffered the worst during that week, trying to be the manly man taking the heat (he couldnt, and still can't.)

“I think we should watch a movie, don't you guys think?” Alice asks, she has been eyeing Simons collar suspiciously, “but after me and Si walk Beibz.” 

“Ohhhh and leave the rest of us to clear up from dinner? Sure, sounds like a fair deal to me. NOT” Emily says, eyeing them, it's near impossible to get away with anything slightly sneaky in the house. Mostly because none of them want to. 

“We’ll dry all the dishes when we get back as well, and Nora can choose the movie because she cooked, how’s that sound?” Simon reasons. He does kinda wanna talk to Alice. He might even tell her about the notes. Maybe.

He doesn't. Tell her that is. It's on the tip of his tongue for most of the walk, and he thinks Alice can tell there is something he isn’t saying. She leaves it alone, not pushing him, she knows him better than that. Knows that if she pushes he is less likely to say anything at all. 

He does let her interrogate him about the hickey though. 

She seems happy for him. 

_But I don't want to sleep, it’s quarter after three_

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The drive home is much the same, the cars more packed because of all the gifts they’re taking back to college with them, and their a bit more subdued, it always sucks saying goodbye again. Even if being home becomes a bit suffocating after too long. They’d had Christmas Eve together as friends, FaceTiming Nat and Ryan and some other college friends into the festivities. They danced and ate and drank with each other and their families and each other’s families. It had been a wonderful holiday. But it was the 28th now and they’d all agreed to be back at college for New Year’s Eve. So back they go.

Abby was staying with them till the 3rd when her flatmates finally return. Semester doesn’t start for a few weeks but they have extracurricular activity to take part in beforehand, Abby and Simon have theatre, Abby has dance as well, Leah is doing a two week internship at an art gallery and the rest have soccer. Also Simon really wants a head start on his work for this semester, he taking an extra class in fine arts and literature, and really wants to have the first couple of novel’s their reading finished before they start. He already regrets this decision. Nat and Ryan had spent Christmas with Ryan’s family and are doing new years with Nat’s (considering she doesn’t celebrate christmas.)

They are about half way home when Leah asks Simon the question she has wanted to ask for weeks. 

“Excuse me?” Simon replies, trying to focus on the road but also checking to see no one else in the care is awake. 

“You heard me, have you figured out who he is yet?” she asks again, staring straight ahead, she has a weirdly blank expression on her face, like she knows something and is doing everything she can not to let slip.

“No, Leah. I have absolutely not a fucking clue. But I have a feeling you have known all along,” he replies, a little too snarky, but he can't help it, “you have haven't you?”

“Yeah Si, I know who he is. He asked me not to tell you when he found out you didn't remember.” 

“What about loyalties Lee?” he asks, smiling a little, no real heat in the comment

“Shut up Spier, you know fine well you'd do the same thing. I think he’s scared and a little embarrassed that you don't remember, he wanted to know if it had meant anything to you before he reveals himself. It's not like he’s hurting anyone, he’s not even really keeping a secret. If you figured out who he was and asked he wouldn’t deny it. He’s just not shouting it from the rooftops.”

“Why did he leave the second time then?” Simon aks, “and why didn't he sign with his name?”

“Sign his name? What you on about Si?”

“You, you didn’t know about the notes then?” Simon asked, faltering a little. He still wasn’t sure if he was ready to talk about them.

“No I didn’t know about any notes,” she muses, “he left notes? Is there any clues?” 

“I don’t think so, go into my wallet they are in there.”

Leah takes them out and studies them. 

“he probably didn’t think he needed to put his name, probably didn’t think you would forget him. But because you don't remember any of the night, it’s just made it seem like he was being weird and cagey. And he left because he felt guilty, he’d been just as drunk as you the second time and he felt like he had taken advantage of you, because you hadn’t remembered the first time. When you were sober anyway. When you were drunk you could barely stay away from him.”

“Fucking hell, he must think I'm a proper moron” 

“No. He’s kind of obsessed with you actually.”

Simon doesn’t reply, it's so much more for him to think about. He doesn’t know what else to say. He turns up the music, letting George Ezra’s new album take over, he and Leah end up singing and dancing to shotgun, laughing when Nick and Abby stir, sing along for a chorus before they fall back asleep almost instantly. 

Everything is _fine._

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_you’re my obsession, my truth_

Bram can't really believe this is his life. Simon, Simon Spier, who he had never seen that way before had suddenly become the forefront of his mind. He’d had a bit of a crush on him in high school, but he had chalked it down to availability. And Bram never wanted to be a stereotype. They were friends anyway, Simon didn't see him that way. 

When they got to college he started to see this whole new side to Simon, it's like he came out of his cage, like he blossomed. He always said that when he got to college he would be out and proud, but Bram had never expected this. In freshman year Simon was the first of them to have a one night stand. And Second. And Third. It was like every time he went out he took someone home, parties, bars, clubs, everywhere. And Bram couldn’t help but feel jealous. In highschool he had been the more confident of the two. But now, it was like Simon couldn’t hold himself back. 

Bram isn't judging him or anything, good on him, getting some. This is college, they are young and free and hot. So hot. (oh my god is Simon hot) They should be hooking up and making memories. But it hurts. Because the more confident Simon became, the more attracted Bram is to him. He never thought he would see Simon this way, never thought they’d be anything more than just friends. 

He starting noticing things though, noticed the way Simon pays so much attention to whoever is speaking at any given moment, holds eye contact just a moment longer than necessary, like he doesn’t want to miss anything, like it's the most interesting thing he has ever heard. He notices how Simon wears his glasses less and less as time goes on and how grey his eyes really are. He notices that Simon is first to come to the aid of anyone in need, always there to lend a hand or be a shoulder to cry on. He notices the way he’s grown as a person, he doesn’t label himself as alternative or pop punk anymore, he doesn’t pin his personality down to the things he likes anymore. He is just him. He still likes pop punk music, he still goes to gigs and damn is he still a massive ass nerd, but those things don't define him anymore, he isn’t hiding behind them anymore. Simon has matured in ways some people never do, his personality and his sense of self has become something truthful and meaningful. 

He has matured, grown and become something that Bram can't help but find truly beautiful. He has always been beautiful, but he covered his colour with things, shielded the person he was behind walls of the things he loved and cared about. And that isn't a bad thing, it's just all a little false in Brams opinion.

Bram remembers a time in highschool when Simon would scoff at music on the radio, proclaim anything mainstream as just that, too mainstream. Now you will find Simon blasting the charts and singing every word, but give him a record played or a set of headphones and it's Elliot Smith and Panic till his heart's content. Simon is still Simon, but he has a newfound confidence in himself, in the person he is and wants to be, rather than in the aspects of his personality which he thinks other will like.

It was nearer then end of freshman year that Bram had really started to notice the changes, Simon had turned to him one day, sat side by side on the grass outside their dorm building. They had oreos and cocktails disguised as juice, a small barbecue was going and a speaker blaring Closer by the Chainsmokers. 

“You know, you were right before, in highschool, life really does get better when you admit to yourself that pop music is popular for a reason.” 

It had been such a random and strange proclamation, Bram couldn't really believe his ears. It almost felt like Simon was telling him something really important. A week later Simon had a his first boyfriend, and he walked around like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Bram never could figure out why. 

Bram cannot really pinpoint when he fell in love with Simon. It wasn't one singular moment of oh my god I think i’ve let this crush go too far. He didn't wake up one day suddenly knowing he was in love. It happened gradually. It happened when Simon came to him for moral support before his finals in freshman year, it happened when Simon cried on Brams shoulder back in Shady Creek when his first boyfriend broke up with him over a text message. It happened when Simon started bringing two iced coffees (one with milk) to every class they shared together. It happened the first time he saw Simon dance without a care in the world. 

When he looks at Simon, Bram can see someone so truly beautiful it breaks his heart that Simon can't see it in himself. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They go clubbing on New Years Eve and Simon kisses Bram at midnight because there is no one else around and they both look a little lost. Bram tastes like watermelon vodka and weed. Simons head spins. 

They don't talk about it. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_I come alive when I'm with you_

 

It’s Bram’s birthday the next time they all see each other, with the start of semester and working too hard to try and make up for doing nothing over the festive period, they’ve all been busy, but it is fine. They go on a night out, drinks and smoking at the loft apartment Bram and Garrett share with two other friends, the whole soccer team is there along with lots of people form their courses. Bram kinda wants to kill Garrett. They go out to a club after, and Simon tries really hard to stay sober. If he ends up with Blue again tonight he wants to remember. 

The trouble with staying relatively sober in the club is that Simon feels very uncomfortable. He has to leave every five minutes because he’s too hot and there's too many people and he doesn't know how to be himself. He doesn't know how to exude confidence when he’s sober the way he does when he is drunk. In clubs anyway. 

“Hey , are you okay?” 

“Me? Oh yeah I'm fine, just trying to stay sober so I don't take the same boy home and forget about him again!!” Simon replies darkly with a laugh, 

“Why?” Bram asks, “why do you want to be sober?”

“Because I want to know who he is. He makes me feel different, I need to know who he is. I'm only confident when I’m drunk, so I need to stay sober to see if I feel the same way with him when I am.”

“You know Si, you don't need to be drunk to be confident, you just need to believe you’re confident. I’ve seen you Simon, on stage, with us when no one else is around. You are confident, you’re loud and kind and fun. Just be free Si, don't let the world weigh you down.” 

“Very insightful Mr Greenfeld,” Simon joked, there is a warmth spreading in his gut, like embers in a fire just waiting for a gust to ignite them. “but you wouldn’t understand. Anyway it's your birthday night celebrations, stop worrying about me, get in there and get your groove on!” 

Bram lets out a chuckle that isn’t forced, but it isn’t true either. 

“Only if you come dance with me.”

Simon beams, “fine”. 

They dance all night. And Simon feels free. 

 

_And now I dialed your number again_

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Simon wakes in the morning, alone, not hungover and knows he never slept with anyone. He does find a blue sticky note in the back pocket of the jeans he had worn the night before however. 

**You’re cute when you blush. Even cuter when your smile reaches your moon grey eyes though. If you really want to know who I am, if you’re ready, it'll come to you. Because you know me. And I know you.**

**X**

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_And you come over and over, and then_

“What makes you so sure it isn’t Bram?” Ryan asks, genuinely curious, he loves Simon to pieces, Simon knows this, but he hasn't known him or any of them as long as they have known each other, and while Nat cannot keep her mouth shut for like three seconds, she knows where the limits are. Ryan has his own friends from home and his own life outside of Nat and their friends. Simon kind of loves that about him. He can usually be relied on to be the voice of reason within their little family.

Simon sighs, he picks up a half full bottle of champagne from one of the tables, takes a long gulp and loves it as it burns on the way down (he knows it'll burn on the way up in the morning too). He’s already very drunk, he hadn’t even really planned on drinking that much because he had hoped to run into Blue tonight, had hoped that if he could keep his wits about him and stay sober long enough he might actually be able to find who the boy who makes his heart race actually is. That had gone to shit pretty early on in the night.

“You know about how I was outed in high school right?” Ryan nods, somber as they all are when that particular part of his life is mentioned, “well at the time I had a massive crush on Bram, it's the calves man, but anyway, after I was outed and the three amigos were mad at me about the Martin thing, which sucked but all is forgiven they've more than made up for it, Bram was there for me. He was like this oasis in the desert. I mean Garett was amazing too, but it was different with Bram, it was like he really understood.” 

Ryan nods, “because he’s gay too right?” Simon nods, “but you didn't know this at the time.”

“Exactly. A week after I was outed, people were still being super rude, I had my friends back and we had buried the hatchet but then one lunch time some ass holes did a really shitty thing, and the next thing I knew Bram was on them, chewing them out like nothing I’ve ever seen. Next day he came into school wearing full rainbow colours, a flag around his shoulders and announced to literally every person he spoke to that he was gay. It was breathtaking.”

“Dude what the fuck that awesome. Did he get shit for it?” Ryan asks, leaning over to steal an oreo from Simons packet. 

“Not a word was said, to me or the other out guy in the school, or to Bram. Because he was soccer captain, because he was smart and popular and he was Bram. He exuded confidence. Until one day he got a note in his locker calling him a fag. He didn't tell anyone but me, because no one else would understand. We were sat on the bleachers right after practice and he stank, like reeked, was covered in mud because it had been raining and he was trying really hard not to cry. I honestly thought I was in love with him in that moment.” Simon lets out a huff of air, takes another long drink from the bottle in his hand. He’s definitely drunk now, but he needs to be, he really hates talking about this. “We ended up going to waffle house, and spent like 5 hours there just talking, about everything, making fun of coming out, asking why straight is the default, we talked about race, gender, inequality, sexuality everything you could think of.” 

Ryan is still nodding along, Nat is next to him on her phone, she's heard this story before so is acting uninterested, but she keeps shooting him reassuring looks and smiles. It helps.

“Next day at school, there's a rumour we are dating. It pissed us off so much, even though I was head over heels for him it still made me so mad. Me and Bram ended up talking about that night at waffle house again, we decided to let them think whatever they wanted because we knew better. I remember his exact words so clearly. He said, ‘it doesn't matter what they think. We know the truth. It's like when people say girls and guys can't be platonic friends ever, because one always ends up falling for the other or whatever. It's such a stereotype it infuriates me. What they are saying is that just because we are two gay males who spend time together we have to be dating like, you might not even be my type. But to hetero people it doesn't matter because gays just like guys, doesn't matter who they guy is. They can't seem to wrap their head around the fact that it's just like being straight, we still have preferences and types and two gay guys can be just friends. It's actually really nice to have you Simon, a gay friend who can be just my friend. It's almost like we are breaking down those barriers, showing the world gays aren't like these sex crazed men obsessed creatures. I don't know I probably sound like an idiot.’ He was so passionate, and he wasn't wrong, everything he said was true. And I still agree with him now. But it felt so personal at the time, like he was specifically saying he was so so so so not into me do you know what I mean?” 

Simon has a few tears in his eyes now, Nat looks away from her phone, paying attention now. This part was new to her as well. Ryan looks taken aback, almost scared, probably because Simon might be shouting now. Hes drunk. And sad. He shouldn’t ever be allowed to drink champagne it makes his far too emotional. He’d been in a shit mood all day, stressed and anxious in a way he just gets sometimes. He really hadn’t wanted to come out tonight, but it was the Fine Arts ball and Leah was up for an award for her designs. He had to at least make an appearance. It was the end of the night, and he was drinking leftover kind of warm champagne, an emotional wreck. 

“But the thing is, my crush on Bram, it was there long before I even knew he was gay, so when he came out, is made it worse, because suddenly I had a chance right? Then he said all that and I was so mad because he was fucking right, he was right and I was just another white gay guy who had fallen for the first guy who might be a possibility. Because I was so head over heels for the idea of being head over heels for someone, and for someone to feel like that about me. I got over him. We went into senior year, we were really good friends, still are. Not best friends. But he's a very important part of my life. Then the six of us realized we were all coming to the state for college, even if we were in different schools, which was amazing, and I got over him. I did. I fucked about, slept about, showed myself off in ways I never thought I would. Not for his sake, for mine right. I wanted to prove to myself that I didn't need him to feel loved. I dated a few people on and off but none of them has ever felt right. This Blue, this person who I somehow keep gravitating to when I'm drunk, or feeling vulnerable, this guy who keeps leaving me notes, who makes my body feel like it's on fire when he's not even in the room. He feels right. He feels how Bram felt in high school. So I know it isn't Bram. because Bram was never right. He never felt that way about me. He doesn't want to be a stereotype. He doesn't want me. I got over him.”

Simon takes another swig from the bottle of champagne he is holding, his tie is loose around his neck, buttons undone. He’s a mess. He wishes he hadn't come to this stupid ball. Why had he even come, on the off chance he might run into Blue? Might be able to take him home again, just to feel something? Is he that desperate.

“You Spier, are a goddamn fucking idiot. Has it ever occurred to you that high school was years ago. That people change? That maybe it feels rights, maybe it feels how Bram felt in high school because it is Bram?” Simon has never seen Ry like this, he has a flame in his eyes that seems to shine, like determination, like inspiration, like he knows something no one else does. 

“Ry, leave it, comone Simon i’ll take you home” Nat says, hopping off her chair she puts one arm around Simons waist lifting Simon arm over her shoulders. She glares at Ryan over her shoulder, why couldn’t he have just left well enough alone. She has had to handle drunk emotional Simon too many times and Ryan’s just pushed the boat out. 

‘Ok, I think that's a good idea. Tal, why did you let me drink champagne, you know it makes me an emotional little bitch. Please don't remind me of this is the morning. I don't want to relive it.” 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_You're on my mind like a song that I can't escape  
I don't know how many da-da-dums I can take_

The next morning finds Simon alone and sad. He’s hungover in a way he hasn’t been for a while, in a way that makes him want to curl up and never move again. He thinks he should probably call his Mom, or see a therapist. He does neither. 

Instead, he downs a bottle of water a little too quickly and vomits into the toilet. He’ll feel better, he knows. He goes back to bed and sleeps until the middle of the afternoon. He’s missed his full day of classes, which he doesn't do a lot, but he just couldn’t face it. Normally when he is hungover he can function for afternoon classes. Not today. He wakes again later feeling marginally better, he checks his phone, the first message he sees is from Nick, telling him to let him know when he’s awake so he can order them pizza. 

The rest of his messages are all pretty much the same, asking where he is, if he is okay, why he isn’t in class. The only people who don't ask are Nat and Bram. Nat tells him she is here for him, and has then sent him 15 photos of him being sick from the night before. Thankfully he’s in his bathroom in all of them. So he didn't make an absolute ass of himself. That’s good.

Bram on the other hand, has sent him about thirty eight screenshotted dog meme’s. No caption, no heartfelt message or questions. Just something he knows will make Simon smile. It works. 

Once he’s gonna through all of them and replied to Bram with lots of thanks yous and dog emojis he replies to Nick, asking for his usual. He debates if he should get up or not, knowing it would be nice to see if anything needs done around the apartment or even do some catch up from the classes he’s missed today but he can’t find the energy or motivation. 

Nick comes in about forty five minutes later, Simon knows he’s bringing in the pizza because he’s heard the door go, 

“Hey Si, how ya feeling?” Nick asks, keeping his voice low. To anyone else it would sound like he is treading on eggshells, but Simon knows that’s just how he is when he’s comforting someone. 

“I’ve been worse, but you know that already,” he replies, “I’m sorry if I ruined anyone’s night last night, I didn’t mean to get all” he waves his hands about, “y’know” 

“Hey none of that, I just wish you’d said something before we went out, I could have kept a better eye on ya,” nick replies looking slightly guilty. Simon hates that, hates that he’s a burden to his friends when he gets like this. 

“Ok, I can see the cloggs turning in that head of yours, so enough of this. You’re not a burden, everyone gets a bit down sometimes, and it’s fine. We love you.”

“I know.”

“Right, I think we should watch How To Train Your Dragon and eat an entire pizza each. That’ll make ya feel better.” Nicks already climbed onto the bed next to where Simon has been burritoed all day, he tugs on the duvet, “come on, let me share.” 

Simon moves, sitting up in the bed and grabbing the box Nick’s holding out to him, they get under the covers and setup Simons laptop between them. They eat in a comfortable silence, the familiarity and ease at which the exist together quieting the anxiety in Simon’s mind. 

“If you wanna talk about it,I'm here bro” 

Simon smiles, a real smile that just reaches his eyes, “I know. I love you too”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_I need to know if you're feeling, feeling the same_

“You gonna tell me what's up with you recently?” 

“No idea what you mean dude” Bram replies, taking one more hit of the joint in his hand before passing it back to Garrett. They’ve been sat on the cushions they have piled on the fire escape outside their living room window for almost an hour, Garrett’s ‘chill bois’ playlist playing from the speakers inside. It's friday night and they both had a really long week, this was all either of them had wanted to do tonight, just sit with each other, listen to music and smoke their troubles away. 

“Don't lie to me asshole, you know as well as I do, you can’t hide anything from me for long.” 

Bram breathes out, the release comes out ragged and long. He doesn’t really know how to answer, doesn’t know where to start, can't (shockingly as the rest of them would say) find the right words for the mess in his head. 

“It’s you right? The mystery guy Spier’s keeps sleeping with? Both times it's happened you were all over each other in the club and both disappeared at the same time. I know I'm usually bottled, but I'm not stupid Bram.”

“Fuck, does everyone know?” 

“Nah, well Ry and Nat and Leah, but you told Leah, when she asked right? Nick and Abby are oblivious.” he lets out a laugh, sparking another joint for them to share, “and Simon, somehow.”

“How do you know all this, fucking hell, what are you secret service?”

“Nah dude, I'm just a good friend who watches and listens.” 

“I know, do you about Leah and them then?” he asks, hoping to derail the conversation away from him and Simon. 

“Yes. I know about that, and as fucking hot as the whole situation is, do not change the subject on me boy. I know you well enough to all your tricks.” 

Another huff of air floats past Bram’s lips as Garrett passes the joint to him. “Alright, yeah it's me, and it's really fucking complicated. I think I'm in love with him, but I don't think he feels the same. You know how it is, I’ve never stood a fucking chance with him. Even in high school, you remember, god I was head over heels for him.”

“How could I forget, you should have seen yourself when he was first outed, like a fucking kid on chanukah when you realised you actually had a chance.” Garrett laughs, 

“Yeah fuck you too,”

“So why haven’t you just told him? He’s obviously got a thing for you, pretty sure he did then and all dude. And even if he didn't, he clearly is attracted to you, and you’re really close, so I'm sure he’d be willing to give it a shot. You get me?”

“It's different with Si, we’ve got so much history now, we’ve been with each other through so much. I’m pretty sure I fucked it up with him in high school if he ever did have a thing for me. Back then, I was so caught up in not being a token gay, I basically shot myself in the foot” 

“What you talkin’ bout?” Garrett asks, his eyes are dropping a little and he’s got a little smile on his face despite the topic and tone of conversation. Bram thinks his face is probably very similar.

“When I first came out, remember there was that rumour about me and Si dating, just because we were two gay guys spending time together?” Garrett nods, “well I was so obsessed with breaking stigma and not being a stereotype that I basically told him he wasn't my type, and that it was ridiculous we would date just because we were two gay guys. Like you know how people say a guy and girl can never be platonic friends? Well it's kinda the same thing when two gay people are friends. Everyone automatically assumes you'll be together. It's pretty shit to be honest. It's like people forget that we are human, like forget we have types and don't just wanna fuck every guy on the face of the earth.” 

“Please tell me you didn't say that shit to Simon? Especially back in high school. He was so insecure, so much more anxious and well, damaged than he is even now. You must know what that woulda done to him. Oh my god, and if he was crushing on you back then, it would have destroyed him.”  
Is it too late?

Bram kind of want to cry. He knows all this already, he’s beat himself bloody in his mind too many times to even recall. He saw it on Simon’s face that day, he sees it sometimes now when Simon looks at him. The devastation. Bram hadn’t even known what he was saying at the time, he was not nearly as well adjusted as everyone says he is now, he was kind of quiet, even if he appeared confident. He had been so damn busy trying not to be what everyone thought, that he ended up pushing away the one person who could have been perfect for him. 

“Yeah, all that, and more. But he was agreeing with me! He was just as pissed off with the rumours as I was. He didn't want to be defined by the expectations put on us when we came out, he agreed with me.”

“You are a fucking idiot you know that. God you and Spier, you’re both so fucking stupid. Like grow up, I get it being gay isn’t easy, being gay and black and jewish can't be fucking easy, but do you know what is easy, loving someone. That shit is the easiest thing in the world, yet the two of you managed to fuck it up anyways.” 

“Love, easy? Come on Garrett, you know as well as I do that a damn lie. We both have divorced parents, it's not easy.” 

“Oh come off it, why did your parents get divorced? Same reason as mine, because they didn't love each other anymore. That's fine, it happens, but that initial love, that blinding, gut wrenching beginning, when they are all you think about, when all you want is to see them smile. That shit is easy. Growing with someone, living with someone, fighting with someone, all of that comes with loving them, and that shit is hard. But so long as you love them through it, you still love them in the silence after the storm, as long as you still love them in the morning, then it is goddamn easy.” 

“When did you get so deep bro?”

“Like three joints ago you fucker” Garrett laughs, “but you know I'm right.”

“Yeah, you probably are.” 

Bram sparks another joint, probably their last of the nights, they’ve been out here a long time and it's starting to get pretty cold.

“So,” Bram looks at Garrett, he’s smirking, “the sex?” it's phrased like a question, “it's good right?” 

“You have no idea dude, best I’ve ever had. Better than the best I ever even imagined. He’s literally perfect for me. He definitely doesn’t remember but the first night we ended up talking about like what we are into, like kinks and shit and we literally line up almost exactly.” Bram isn’t even blushing, they’re mature enough now that things like this don't even phase them, they’ve walked in on each other in compromising enough situations to know anything goes. 

“Dude, that’s great, just need to tell him it's you now. Maybe you can finally get some use outta some of these toys of yours eh?” 

“I don't even know how to go about telling him, I feel like not telling him has totally fucked everything up. That first morning, I left a note because I had to leave for an early meeting with my advisor, I didn't even bother to sign my name because there was no way in hell in thought he wasn't gonna remember. I honestly thought it was gonna be the start of something then and there. And then he sent that message to the group chat, and I fucking panicked. I freaked out and now it's all gone to hell.” 

“Just tell him the truth, he will understand, he’s Simon. He’s yours, has been for so long it's actually driving me and Leah up the wall.” Garrett sighs, “Look, what's the worst that could happen, he says he doesn’t want to be with you in that way, well he’s still always going to be your friend, and at least now you know what fucking him’s like. Might help you get over him if it comes to that. Which, I very very much doubt it will.”

Garrett gets up to go inside, leaving Bram with the remainder of the last joint and a pat on the shoulder. 

“Thanks dude, love you” Bram says as Garrett climbs back in the window, they grin at each other, in a way only people who’ve known each other as long as they have can. 

“Love you too bro, don't stay up too late, I know we don't have practice tomorrow but you still need your beauty sleep.”

_But now it's hard to breathe_

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A week later Simon is still in a funk. He can't seem to shake the darkness that’s clouded over his mind. It doesn’t help (ok maybe it does) that Bram has been being so unbelievably fucking nice to him all week. He’s brought the ice coffee’s to class, photocopied all his notes in the library and gave them to Simon if he noticed the other boy had been spacing out. He’s been around almost constantly, spending the night at their apartment, cooking them dinner. Basically acting like a full time carer. 

Now as much as Simon was loving the attention, god was he loving it, it was confusing him to no end. He still felt all warm and bubbly inside whenever he thought about Blue, but now it was beginning to feel like he was (newsflash) absolutely not over his crush on Bram either. 

Like right now, it's 8.30 on a tuesday night, it's student night, so everyone else has gone out to a bar, who could say no to $2 drinks right? Well Simon hadn’t felt up to it and chose to just stay at home, he had smoked a joint out the window in his room and had a couple Jack and Cokes, just to take the edge off, when he heard a knock. Bram was at his door with chinese take out food and a sheepish smile. 

“I didn't really feel like going out either, thought we could keep each other company.” 

Now, they’re curled up in Simon’s bed, watching this shitty documentary about aliens on netflix. Their legs are tangled together, arms just about touching. They’re relaxed and content, but there is an air of electricity surrounding them, something unspoken. A few times over the past week or so it had almost seemed like Bram was about to say something to him, like there was something on the tip of his tongue. Something in Brams eyes that lit up whenever Simon laughed at one of his jokes. And then the way the hairs on the back of Simons neck raised whenever their skin so much as brushed. 

Simon was almost starting to believe that Ryan might have been right. Maybe, just maybe there was a chance, maybe Bram was Blue. Then again maybe it was the drug floating round in his system or maybe it was the jack but it was the ease at which Bram existed in his life, the comfort Simon felt when he was lying next to him, maybe it was the burst of confidence Bram gave him whenever he was near, but something was telling Simon it was true. 

_I’m not in love, it's just a game we do_

Simon sat up, lifting his head form where it had fallen onto Brams chest, he turns to look at the boy next to him, taking in his impeccable jaw line, the eyes that light up when he laughs. He looks at his hands, all long fingers and knobbly knuckles, what Simon wouldn’t give to have those hands on him, on his hips, clawing at his back, leaving bruises on his ass. Wow that was an invasive thought but not necessarily unwelcome, he would absolutely love it if Bram took control of him that way. He so calm and collected all the time, to see him lose it like that, even just a little, would be possibly the hottest thing Simon has even imagined. And he’s imagined it before. In great detail. 

“Is there something on my face? Or you just enjoying the view?” Simon is shaken from his daydreaming by Brms voice, god even is voice is so hot. Husky but smooth and tender. The colour rises in his cheeks at Brams question, he stutters out a no, but he knows the blush he’s sprouting is enough to tell Bram otherwise. 

“Oh is that how it is then, so if I were to do this,” he leans down, his face right against Simons, his lips centimeters from the other boys, “you would be totally fine?” 

“Ye-e-ah,” Simon mutters against Brams lips, leaning in on instinct just as Bram leans away, just a little, enough to make Simon whine.

“Ah, ah, ah,” Bram tutts at him leaning back a little further, he locks his eyes with Simon’s, like he is searching for something and then he smiles, “promise me you won't forget me again in the morning, then I will kiss you.”

It takes Simon a few to understand, Bram can see it, the moment it all falls into place, Simons eyes light up, the biggest smile any of them have seen him wear in weeks splitting his face, “it’s you.”

“Yeah it’s me” 

“I fucking promise, now kiss me you asshole.” 

_I tell myself I'm not that into you_

So Bram does, he pushes forward practically slamming his lips against Simons, the force of the kiss pushes Simon down onto the bed, Bram on top of him. As their mouths slot together, it's hot and frantic, Simon lifts one hand to cup Brams cheek, the other going around his back pulling him closer. Brams arms are on either side of Simons head, folded so his elbows are flat, boxing Simon in. 

“Oh shit, babe, we need to move my laptop, don’t want it getting damaged, c’mon” Simon pulls away, struggling to get the words out as Bram starts kissing down his jaw, to his neck, leaving butterfly kisses in his wake, he sighs against Simons neck, and pulls away.

They shuffle about, moving Simon’s macbook onto the desk. Simon shuffles down, so he’s lying flatter on the bed as Bram moves over him. Simon slips his sweater off, pushing his hands up and under Brams, who nods, lifting it over his head before lowering himself down, Simon can't help the smile that lights up his face when he realizes just how well they fit together. 

“Hi.” 

“Hi to you too,” 

They smile at each other, eyes locked together, searching. Simon makes the first move this time, pushing himself up to meet Brams lips. It's fast and messy, the urgency between them palpable. Brams holding himself up with one elbow again, the other hand exploring Simon’s body, running up and down his side, over his chest and down to the waistband of his joggers. Simon’s got one arm round Brams back nails digging in when Bram bites his lip. The other is gripping on Brams ass, squeezing through the thin material of his basketball shorts. 

Simon bends his knees, feet flat against the bed, he lifts his hips at the same moment Bram grinds down, they're both hard. They moan in sync at the contact, the kisses shared between them becoming sloppier, as the move against each other. Bram drops his hand below Simons waistband, where it has been skirting the edge, he realized quickly that Simon isn’t wearing any underwear. 

“Oh cheeky, were you expecting something to happen or are you just this dirty?” Bram asks, as he takes Simon in his hand, fingers flicking over the tip, making Simon moan, “I asked you a question baby, I expect an answer.” 

“I - I, didn't know you were coming round, I was just being lazy. But once you were here, I was hoping. I hoped.” Simon replies, breathless and interrupted with moans as Bram bites his left collarbone, humming in approval at the answer. 

“Good boy. Have you thought about this before? Do you think about me when you get off? What about after the first time we fucked, when you woke up in the morning, no idea who I was, how did you feel?”

“Fuck, fuck Bram, you have no idea,” Simon huffs, Brams hand leaves him, slotting under him to grab at his ass, Brams bent his knees in between Simons, holding himself up that way, so he can touch Simon with both hands, “I felt so content, like I could breathe for the first time.” 

Bram smiles, “me too,” they slow for a moment, kisses becoming a little gentler, softer, as Simon runs his hands up and down Brams arms, in his hair, just wanting to feel all of him, “c’mon, lift your hips so I can get these off.” 

Simon does so, shuffling and helping Bram to kick them down, he lifts his legs into the air, Bram pulling them off leg by leg, biting at the inside of Simons thigh as he does so. “You too, please, wanna see you, wanna feel you.” Simon practically beggs. 

_But I don't wanna sleep, it's quarter after three_

It takes a minute of repositioning, but soon they’re both naked, lube retrieved from the box under the bed (Brams eyebrows had almost hit the ceiling at the collection of toys in the box, he couldn’t help but be particularly drawn to a lovely metal princess plug, but he put the thoughts filtering into his mind away for later.) Simon blushes slightly, Bram assuring him that it's more than okay, in fact it's wonderful,

“I can't wait to use them on you baby, not tonight though, tonight I want to be just you and me, but don't worry my boy, that time will come.” 

Simon blushes again, a slight moan leaving him as Bram calls him his. 

They slot back together, everything speeding up again, Simon grips Brams hips, flipping them over, very much to Brams surprise. He straddles Brams waist, kissing down his chest, pushing himself down the bed until he is hovering over Bram’s cock. Simon looks up at Bram through his lashes, smiling at the want clear on his face. Simon keeps their eyes locked as he lowers, licking at Bram’s tip, before swallowing down, taking as much of Bram down his throat as he can. His eyes flutter closed as Bram moans, he lets himself get caught up in the feel of Bram in his mouth, of the hands in his hair, tugging, hard. He moans around Bram, the vibrations making Brams hips jump, Simon doesn’t cough, in fact he moans again, wanting Bram to fuck up into his mouth. His hands are on Brams hips, supporting the motions of them. 

“Oh my god, Si, baby boy, you’re so good, so fucking good to me, fuck” Bram preens at Simon, the profanity and talk coming out in babbles, like he doesn’t even know what he is saying, “I'm gonna come baby boy, you gonna make me come?’

Simon sucks a little harder, moving his head fast, cupping Brams balls in one hand, the other coming to pump what he can't fit in his mouth. It doesn’t take long, before Bram is spilling into Simons mouth. Simon swallows it all, he loves this. Absolutely fucking loves it, knows how good he's making Bram feel which makes him feel good in return. Bram looks spent above him, head thrown back, beads of sweat dripping down his forehead, his chest rising and falling. 

“C'mere babe,” he mutters, Simon crawls up the bed, lying next to Bram, he’s still rock hard and desperate, but he knows Bram needs a minute to recover, he kisses Brams chest, lapping at the sweat, it's probably gross but he loves it. Bram tangles his hand in Simons hair again, pulling him in and kissing him, hard, Simon doesn’t fight him for dominance of the kiss just lets Bram take over. 

_And now it's hard to breathe_

 

Bram pushes Simon back onto his back, he grabs a pillow and slides it under Simon’s hips, lifting them off the bed slightly, he crawls over him. He reaches for the lube, squeezing some out onto his palm, he's laying on his side, pressed right against Simon, he kisses his neck, as his hand wrapped around Simons length once more. 

“Bram, please, no more teasing, please need to feel you, please,” hes squirming, moaning into his own hand thats across his mouth.

“Eh, don't cover up those moans, want to hear you sweetheart.” Bram says, he slips his hand down, crawling over Simon a little more, he runs one finger over Simons hole, loves the way it immediately relaxes and puckers against the slightest of touches. Simon is always so responsive to him. Bram feels a little regret that this isn’t their first time. Well, he muses, maybe to Simon this does feel like the first, because he doesn't really remember the first, or second. 

He wants to make this as good for Simon as Simon had made the last two for him, he kisses down Simons chest, licks one stripe along his gorgeous cock, before dropping down further. He lifts Simons feet off the bed, bending his knees up to his chest, giving Bram a near perfect view. He hears Simons breath hitch above him, knowing what's coming. He smiles, “you ready baby boy?” 

“Yeah,” it comes out a barely there buff of air, “please Bram, please please” 

Bram licks at Simon’s hole, biting at the skin around, his thighs, butt cheeks, he pushes the tip of his thumb past the rim, licking round the rim at the same time. The noises Simon is making only encouraging him further. His head is thrown back, chest raising off the best, moans and curses falling from his lips in rivets. 

“You had enough baby, you want more?” Bram asks, slipping one finger in, pumping it slow, leaning over to take Simon’s cock in his mouth, just once up and down, just to tease, he slips a second finger in, pumping the two together, becfore scissoring them and curling them. 

He knows the exact moment he hits the spot, recognises the way Simons eyes clamp shut, and his mouth falls open, whines of need barely making it out, he slips another finger in, moving them hard and fast, not giving Simon any time to relax between bursts of pleasure from that one sweet spot, “roll over for me, gonna fuck you nice and hard, is that what you want sweetheart?”

“Yes. yes. Babe, Bram, want you so bad, c’mon, I'm ready” Simon is a mess now, his legs dropped from where he had them bent, keeps grabbing at Bram and can’t lay still. His hands are in Brams hair, leaving scratches on his back, pulling on his arms, everything too much but not enough for him. 

“What do you say?” Bram asks, removing his fingers, leaning back on his heels, 

“Please Bram, please.” 

“Of course darlin’, c’mon, roll over for me now,” so Simon does, bends his knees almost right up to his chest under him, his spine bent in the most beautiful curve Bram has ever seen, his ass in the air, cheeks spreading naturally, the view amazing. Simon squishes his face into the pillows, one pulled under his chest almost like he’s hugging it to himself. Bram takes his arms, lightly, kissing Simons spine as he does, and folds them behind Simons back. He holds them in place in one of his hands. 

“This is okay baby boy? If I hold you here like this?” Bram asks, still peppering kisses over any available skin.

“It's wonderful, perfect, please,” Simon replies, it comes out quite muffled from where his head is against the mattress, “please fuck me, please.”

“Whatever you want, I'm yours, and you’re mine.” Bram replies, shuffling forward, slipping a condom over himself where he is hard as a rock again. 

_I'm not in love, it's just a thing we make_

 

He pushes in, moans as the tip slides past the rim with a slight pop, the rest fills Simon with ease, he takes all of Bram, with nothing but moans of encouragement. Brams hand tightens on Simon’s wrists, pushing him down, his other hand squeezing Simon’s ass, hard, as he quickens his thrusts, he lifts the hand from Simon’s ass, he knows they’d talked about this before, knows Simon likes it, but Simon doesn’t remember the conversation, would it be okay? It was almost like Simon was reading his mind as he pushed his ass in the air, he turns his head to look at Bram, his eyes almost begging for it. 

Bram lifts his hand from where it had been rubbing one of Simon’s cheeks, their eyes are locked, focused solely on each other, even as Bram continues to thrust, slower, but deep into the older boy. He raises the hand, a little higher, and Simon closes his eyes, a smile on his lips, 

“Please” he whispers, and that’s all Bram needs to bring his hand down nice and hard against Simon’s ass. Once, twice, three times before Simon moans so loud Bram almost loses himself to the sound. Instead he picks up his pace, grabbing onto Simon’s hips again, fucking him hard and fast into the mattress. He brings his other hand down a few times intermittently absolutely adoring the sounds Simon makes each time. Neither of them can stop the sounds their making. And neither wants to. 

They’re lost in each other when Simon gets quiet, Bram had been switching between scratching down Simons back and holding his hips in place. Simon was moving, slamming his hips forward and back against Bram fucking himself on the younger boys cock. Simon hadn’t even noticed when Bram had stops moving and started just simply gripping Simon’s hips and guiding them back and forward just a little faster than he had been moving originally. 

But Simon had gone quite, his face buried in the mattress below them, 

“Baby, are you close?” Bram asks, he recognises the quiet from the last time, “I’m not gonna last much longer baby boy, you’ve been so good for me, so fucking good.”

“Yeah, Bram, please, I’m so close” Simon replies, his hips stuttering, “please touch me Bram, please.”

Bram reaches around and takes Simon in his hand, it doesn’t take much, just a few pumps and Simon is gone, lost to the pleasure of his orgasm. He comes, hard, moaning Bram’s name, loud. He clenches around Bram as he comes, pushing Bram over the edge as well. 

Half an hour later they are lying in each other’s arms, Bram had gotten a damp cloth from the bathroom and wiped them down, and had also somehow managed to strip the bottom sheet from the mattress without Simon having to move much. They’re both exhausted but sated, neither thinks they’ve ever been so happy as they are in this moment. They’re sweaty and gross, but neither can keep the smiles off their faces.

“How the fuck did I ever forget this” Simon mutters, a laugh bubbling, “literally the best I’ve ever had.”

“If it makes you feel better, that right there; best I’ve ever had too,” Bram replies, “you’re incredible Si, and I’m head over heels for you.”

“I’m head over heels for you too.” Simon says, a smile caught on his lips, “Bram, would you like to get dinner with me sometime?” 

“I would love to sweetheart,” Bram replies, “I’m glad we’ve sorted our shit out.”

“We’ve not really sorted anything yet though have we? We still need to have like a proper conversation when we aren’t post-best-fucking-of-our-lives.” 

“Of course baby boy, but later, right now I just wanna hold you, and get some sleep”

“Promise me you’ll be here in the morning? I don’t want to wake up alone again,” Simon gushes almost too quick and too soft to catch, he blushes a little embarrassed at how needy he must sound. 

“I promise, now sleep.”

_But I don't wanna go and I know that you know  
you're in my head_

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They wake quite early the next morning, cosy and warm, so damn comfortable in each others space.They’d ended up spooning, Simon’s back near flush against Brams chest, their legs intertwined. When Simon rolls over to face Bram he finds the younger boy smiling a small, soft but real smile that lights up his eyes. Simon feels the slight dip in his own frown rise, the anxiety that had swirled in the pit of his stomach disappearing in an instant, he can feel the fond that’s rolling off Bram in waves. Neither have class until the afternoon so they can relax, enjoy each other’s company.

There’s hustle and bustle of voices from the kitchen in the apartment, they don’t speak, just kiss softly, happy to be with each other. 

“Hi you,” Simon whispers against Bram’s lips, “I’m glad you’re still here”

“So you didn’t forget me again then?” Bram teases, lifting one hand to boop Simon on the nose. 

The tongue Simon sticks out at him in return breaks the slight tension, both of them laughing. The noise in the apartment ceases, for just a moment, like they have stopped to listen, before it starts up again. 

“Think they know?” Bram whispers, kissing Simon’s cheek.

“Probably, I think most of the group knew even before I did.” 

“You’re not wrong there, they are far too intuitive for their own good.”

“Time to face the music then I guess?”

“Wow, don't sound too excited, not like it's a death sentence or something.” Simon rolls his eyes at the dramatics.

“Um aren’t I supposed to be the needy, dramatic insecure one?” He replies, the giggle he get in return is enough, they both make to move, reaching for any clothes they can get their hands on. Bram ends up in just boxers and one of Simon's oversized crewnecks and Simon slips into a loose tee-shirt and Brams basketball shorts from the night before. Neither can quite believe how cute the other looks in their clothes. 

They make to head into the hall, both deciding the bathroom is a good idea before they see their flatmates, but Simon grabs Bram’s sleeve, pulling him back, Bram goes willingly, thinking maybe Simon wants a kiss or four. Then he spots the crease between the older boys brow.

“Hey, what is it?” he asks, a hand coming up to Simons jaw, holding it up lightly between his thumb and finger.

“What do we tell them? They’re gonna ask you know it as well as I,” Simon replies, “I know we still need to talk about it, but for now, what are we telling them? Are we fuck buddies? What?”

“We are whatever we decide to be. I want to be yours, and I want you to be mine, but you’re right we have to talk about it. Why don't we say, for now, that we’re working it out, but it's serious.” 

“That’s perfect and it's the truth, right?” 

“If you’re asking me to go steady with you right now then I'm saying yes, I'm serious about you, so serious in fact I don't know how I’ve survived without you this whole time.”

Simon just smiles, wide and bright, giving Bram one last peck on the lips, it lingers slightly before he ducks round the taller boy and out the door. Slamming the bathroom door behind him calling dibs on first use, Bram can't help but shake his head. He stays in the bedroom and can't help but tidy up a little, just straightening things out while he waits.

“So, you guys sorted your shit then?” It's nick’s voice, Bram breaths in, turning around and sees nick leaning against the door frame, arms folded across his chest. 

“We’re getting there, but I'm serious about him Nick. It’s ,” he pauses, can't help the grin that breaks out, “good. It's really fucking good.” 

Nick studies him for a moment, his face blank, before he too smiles, wide and welcoming. “That’s good then. I know you know this already but I do have to say it anyway, it's my job as best friend. Simon is special, he’s a lot of work, you know that already too, but he’s possibly the most important person in my entire life, so if you hurt him, in any way, I will hurt you.”

“I can promise you right now Nick, I will never do anything to intentionally hurt him. I know him, have known him long enough to know he is worth whatever work he may be. He’s worth it.” 

Nick stps into the room, smile softer now, he reaches Bram, slapping him on the shoulder before pulling him in for a quick hug, “You’re worth it too bro. Don't forget that.” 

“Ummm, Nick get off my man thank you very much.” 

There is a moment of silence, before Simon breaks, giggles and pushes Nick away dramatically, falling into Brams arms. Nick pulls him in and Bram escapes towards the bathroom, giving them their moment. He can't help but listen in though, just for a second. 

“Yeah Nick, it's good. I’m good. It- It’s like I’ve been holding my breath without even realising it, right up until this moment. It’s better than good, it's perfect.”

Bram smiles, closing the bathroom door behind him, leaning against it and dropping his head back. 

And he exhales.

**Author's Note:**

> Well. this is probably the longest and most self indulgent piece of fiction i have ever written. Also the first thing ive written in about three years. shows what college and working 40+ hours a week can do to a passion. Guess i just needed something truly amazing to come along and inspire me for the first time in a long time. 
> 
> I really hope you guys loved reading this as much as I've loved writing it. 
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer this work is un'betad, i read it like 27 times before posting hoping to catch anything but please if you spot any tense changes or not capital I's then please let me know and i will go back and correct them.


End file.
